sprice: does Lauren need explanation/description? It's not clear from the poem alone that she's your sister, and underage at the time, though you can kinda pick that up from the Shirley Temples bit.

heather: Is "gin-rummy" your choice because its accurate to your family? or because you're talking about liquor to begin with? Either way, it's a nice choice -- the adults got the real stuff and you got the card game.

sprice: Agreed. I really liked that line, same reasons.

samira: In general, I really like the images in this stanza, this line in particular. "Chinked" and "sweaty" are great words.

cgroom: I agree that "sweaty" is a great word, but for some reason "sweaty" isn't in keeping with the rest of this poem.

sprice: "dewy"? 'sweaty' is perhaps more in keeping with the poem. or is it?

alecia: hmm. definitely something to consider. i get kinda stuck on 'sweaty' too. how's about 'slick'? picks up the 'k' sound, could be interpreted as either wet-slick or glass-slick... other ideas?

samira: What about "foggy?" The "g" has the same hard sound as the "k."

heather: the two "extra"s are good.

sprice: Hee. I wonder how many people get introduced to mixed drinks through shirey temples... I first had a shirley temple on a trip with my grandparents, who would have a glass of wine with dinner. Also to wonder-- how much my current taste for fruity doesn't-taste-like-alcohol drinks comes from there.

heather: Your grandparents are much more compelling characters in this poem than "the boy." If you intend him to be flat in comparison, you might make that even more obvious. Or cut him entirely. Or flesh him out so that he seems significant enough to be part of the memory too.

sprice: 'them' at the end of this line itches for me, almost applies to boy-and-grandparents. Not much, though, I suppose.

samira: Hm.. In general, this poem seems more prosey than most of your work, the sentence ending "because of her chemo," in particular. It seems a bit clunky. Shorter sentences might help. See if you can strip away some clauses to make the language more powerful? I might develop the idea of cancer a bit more as well. While Grandma Gene is very nicely fleshed out, I feel a bit like Heather's comments about the boy also apply to Grandma Gene's chemo and death. There is a certain beauty to the sparseness, so I wouldn't belabor the point, but I would look for a way too make the image of death as vivid as the image of her olives.

samira: N.B. Not the part of Heather's comment about maybe cutting it, of course.

sprice: curious: what does "N.B." mean?

alecia: N.B.= nota bene, Latin for "note well." Hrm. That might be 'note.' Not sure. But anyway, that's what it means. :)

heather: I really like "vodkasoaked" and "saltsharp" as one word.

sprice: There's a term for that, isn't there? Heather, you were in Survey I also... what's the term for those combinations: swan-road, for instance?

heather: kennings, I think.

sprice: Heather-- that sounds right, even though it confuses me by what I thought the etymology of 'ken' was. So I looked it up on m-w.com. "Kenning" in this sense comes straight from the Old Norse "kenna", while "ken" in the sense that I was thinking of, to perceive, comes from "kenna" as well, but by way of middle and old English, where it picked up some other nuances. Interestingly, it's related to "can" as in "I can do that" through knowing-- perception means knowing something, if you know something, you can do/comprehend it. Are these still called 'kennings' in current/contemporary poetry?

cgroom: It feels like there's a stronger synthesis between martinis, the boy, and the grandmother than simply thinking of them. Either expand or reduce this stanza -- I think expand, to offer a line or two more of details and sharpness.