lisa: I like the way you changed this line. Much more evocative.

lisa: Joining what were once two stanzas, both here and in the third section, works well for this poem. The parallels and connections between the different things going on in this scene are more natural and flowing.

lisa: Not sure about the word "deliberately" in this line. Its main purpose is to join this line and the next, right? Maybe you could move it down like this:

held, swallowed
deliberately, the way you circled

lisa: LOVE these last three lines.

lisa: I had to read it a couple of times to notice, but this line seems to get at one of the central themes of the parellels in this poem-- a new way of looking at a familiar food, a new way of looking at a familiar person/relationship.

lisa: Using the word "ribs" here brings us right back to the erotic encounter without any unnecessary words.

lisa: The sense here of being overcome by the power of a physical memory is just awesome.

lisa: I'm not sure "other side of the world" is a strong enough line to repeat twice, or to end the poem on. Is there a more subtle way you could word the same idea? Like maybe continuing the idea about how it's light there when it's dark here (since there's so much sun rising and setting in this poem)?