(untitled)
poetry by
lizzy
05 March 2002
18 comments
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He looks into her deep green eyes
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without need for words
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sprice:
I think Eppy's right that this stanza begs to be longer, but I wonder if that same need could also be filled by playing with punctuation, which would slow the reader down and make the lines richer and more poignant. A dash after this line, a comma after "and they embrace"... I'm not sold on this, but it might be something to play with. |
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they know all they need.
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kathleen:
i like the vagueness and simplicty in this stanza, it sets a background but does not give the reader any incling to what's coming up. |
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And they embrace,
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needing each other deeply
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forever.
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After all, they are
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just married best friends.
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They are in love.
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eppy:
Every line in this stanza just cries out "Make me longer! Add descriptions!" A stronger show-don't-tell opening might be a short scene or image demonstrating what you're trying to say here. |
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He looks at her.
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She knows her husband wants a kiss
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she sighs--
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she is too tired to get up.
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Being a future mommy can do that.
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She knows he'll still love her anyway
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even if he doesn't speak to her much.
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eppy:
Specificity seems lacking. It could be any man and woman, and that seems problematic to me. Why should we care about this man and woman? |
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brantley:
because if they're not specified then we can pin ourselves onto them, or people we know. I think the nonpersonalization is quite effective in a 'message' poem like this. |
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He looks at her
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eppy:
Too empty, I think, if you're going to expand it in the next stanza anyway--how does he look? What does he see? |
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too angry to really see her so terrified
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sreaming profanities
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eppy:
It seems a crime to have an opportunity to include a particular profanity and not take it. Might I suggest "rat-fucking shit-licking dicktard"? |
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eppy:
Uh, although that might break the mood, I suppose. |
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sprice:
Perhaps, Eppy, but it's also something that you might suggest, so hey. ; ) |
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lizzy:
LOL! Thanks for the defense, Scott. |
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She didn't marry him so he'd drink like this.
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But he will apologize when he's sober
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She knows they will love each other again
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until next evening.
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He doesn't bother to look at her anymore
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except to drunkenly hit her.
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When she looks at him through blackened eyes
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she fears for her beautiful son
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only three years old.
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She wants her son to have a daddy
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kathleen:
i would suggest taking out some of the "ands" and "buts" they make the poem more storylike rather than poetic... if that makes an sense. i think your word choice is strong enough to stand on it's own with conjunctions. |
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She doesn\'t want to be a single mom
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so she stays.
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He's very nice when he's sober, anyway.
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He looks at her for the last time
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too bruised for an open casket
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eppy:
Nice image--but if it's a closed casket, how is he looking at her? Maybe describe the coffin instead. |
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kathleen:
i like this image, i think it is partuclarly strong and leaves alot open to the imagination. it came as a shock to me. i kept going back to the word "bruised" and i think your word choice is excellent. |
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even though they had cleaned up the blood.
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It's not his fault she's dead, he thinks.
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She had tried to leave
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so he had to push her.
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He leaves the kid at the funeral
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kathleen:
i like the contrast between the woman calling the child her "son" and he calls him "the kid"...tells alot about he characters in a subtle way |
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sprice:
I second the (e)motion. |
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and goes for a drink.
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eppy:
"He looks" I guess would be a title--I like the repetition of looking, but I'd like the focus or viewer to shift in each stanza, maybe emphasizing the perspective or focus of that section. At the beginning they could be looking at a game at a carnival, for instance, the second time at the label on a bottle of beer peeling off--uh, sorry, don't mean to get so specific. But you get the idea. |
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kathleen:
what about "the difference of perspective" of something like that for a title? |
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sprice:
Hm.... a potential title... "She knows". I really like the technique of pulling out a single line or that the poem seems to revolve around, either one that's particularly important already (say, "He looks at her") or one that, when called out as the title, draws attention to a line that otherwise might be understated. For instance, this poem uses "He looks at her" as a refrain, and so using that as a title would prepare the reader for the poem, set up the larger rhythm, and make the stanza breaks sharper. Pulling out something like "She knows" which is said explicitly (but is part of a longer phrase) several times, and said implicitly and ironically several other times, would draw the reader's attention to her reaction. |
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Content © copyright 2002 by Lizzy Miller. All rights reserved.