To set out, to embark, to
poetry by
sscheckter
17 July 2004
6 comments
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Alone in a room of boxes
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at the center of the woods,
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he packs up his mottled universe,
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tuning out the argument of crunching
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j_moody:
"arguments" perhaps? it just seems like there are plural things, and perhaps they have plural arguments. also, for me, it sounds better. |
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leaves and blowing reeds,
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muffling it, wisping it into the infinitely
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j_moody:
muffling the universe? the arguments? |
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halving Milky Way.
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j_moody:
I wish there was more imagery here. perhaps some description of how galaxies or nebulas or asteroids or "the gyre of space," or whatnot, are involved in this "halving" so we can get a visceral sense of what he is tossing this stuff into, so we can feel the expanse, or the fire, or the growth, or the movement. |
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He strings his fishing pole and steps
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outside, scouting the path for stones,
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skirting a snarl of brush and rose briars.
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Chipmunks and spiders skitter and dive,
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making their ways deeper underground.
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j_moody:
its all good (imagery is forceful) until this line. to combine the chipmunks and spiders into one action requires something else, i think. or what is the significance of them going underground? or how to they move from skittering and diving to "making their ways". also, "making their way" is a bit passive-- doesn't grab me. |
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The trees are cilia, listening. The day's not saying
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yes or no, never or now, just keep on.
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j_moody:
"yes or no" is good. the rest doesn't seem to flow. it doesn't follow directly, so the reader may need some help to realize what you are getting at with "never or now" or "just keep on" -- especially coming "the day," a day in which trees are cilia |
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His calf muscles are tight.
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He bends and ties his shoe,
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so that he can hesitate before he has to go;
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a tiny solace, binding.
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j_moody:
lotsa potential. intimate space (room w/ packing boxes) to the universal macrocosm, back to the human dimension with a fishing rod and the woods (good to flesh out the idea of a room within the woods, you didn't leave that hanging), on to more personal matters, feelings, impressions (psychological microcosm) and these happen within a set of stanzas that hint towards the physical microcosm too (cilia), and an intimate moment of desired hesitation to end it. not bad. perhaps flesh out some of the implications. the purpose of the fishing pole? is it a link to the human realm of fish and rivers and woods? is it a celestial fishing pole? is it a tool for "seeking" for "fishing things out of the mind"? could be anything. why does he hesitate? why does he desire to hesitate? what does this "packing up" mean to him? how does he connect himself with these ideas of the universal and the biological? is there any metaphor or simile that would communicate his situation? but, y'know, its up to you to write it. these are just some of the impresions i get from it. |
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Content © copyright 2004 by Sarah Elizabeth Scheckter. All rights reserved.