Underhill
poetry by
sscheckter
19 October 2004
5 comments
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At college, we were fans of the rain test—
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He thought that if you ran quickly through a downpour
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you would get less wet
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than someone walking. We ran it often skittering
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from the greenhouse to the concert hall of glass and dark woods
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and through a back stairway to the library
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where I would get one record at a time.
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Early music or Joni Mitchell, in the dark, while
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my fighting roommates slept, and the water ran down
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every lizard tree trunk outside.
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j_moody:
"lizard" tree trunk? it flows well, but doesn't parse well. what meaning are you getting at? is it the imagery of lizard skin? if so, might try to pull it off some other way. |
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j_moody:
maybe "brown-scaled tree trunk" or "gray-scaled tree trunk"? just guesses. |
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j_moody:
I really like the imagery of this poem, and its premise-- the reenactment of a college student's mindset, with its tests of whimsical theories, its studious activities, the treasured objects that are at that place. Its a good memory poem.
Maybe overlay it with some current day perspective or some other layer of meaning to bump it one notch higher and get at some meta-level idea-- like what role these memories play in your current day-to-day life, what role those people play in your life, how you continue these rituals or that kind of whimsical experimentation, or how you have lost all that? I hope you can see what I'm getting at. No criticism intended, I enjoy entering the world of your poem, I just know it might have even more impact with just a few subtle alterations-- alterations that only you can make. |
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sscheckter:
thanks very much for your comments! i'm working on some revisions. i've changed the 'lizard' reference. |
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j_moody:
cool-- i still like reading it. it has a cool flow to it. look forward to seeing the changes. |
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Content © copyright 2004 by Sarah Elizabeth Scheckter. All rights reserved.