Swarthmore Beautification Plan

Most people would agree that Swarthmore is better than Haverford. Haverford is fated to permanently lag behind us; we work harder, play harder, engage in more sinful activites, and have a bigger campus. We have the Crum woods, Kohlberg hall, and Parrish Beach. We have a rose garden, stone buildings, and distance from Bryn Mawr.

However, there are two reasons why 'Fords can snub their noses at as.

1. McCabe library. This ugly castle-like building has claimed the souls of thousands of Swatties. Its orange carpet, still and stuffty air, and nasty layout assure that no-one can study there in peace.
2. Haverford has a duck pond.

I propose we solve both problems at once.

Take McCabe. Stuff it full of Philosophy majors.

Fill the secret sub-sub level of McCabe with a small, precision nuclear weapon (they are produced in DuPont). Activate at will.

Water the lawn, and let the runoff fill the smoking crater. Meanwhile, take the shuttle to Haverford and fill several brown, paper bags with their ducks. Sneak these bags back on the shuttle, and release them into our new pond.

Finally, revise the campus map to reflect this improvment.