...like most things, it started so innocently. Chris Fanjul was given a blender and he told some friends he would bring it back to school.

What Chris did not know is that his friends -- the rest of us -- had been for months lamenting our lack of a blender (generally stated as, "dude, we need some blender action right about now"). Some of us wanted a blender to grind ice for bizzare drinks, others wanted a blender to make gazpacho, etc. These were mere idle speculations... least until one of our number actually obtained a blender.

Then it was civil war to determine for what the blender would be used, when, and by whom.

The first message arrived as an APB by Josh Lewis:

ATTENTION ATTENTION THIS IS NOT A DRILL MESSAGE TO FOLLOW MESSAGE BEGINS Rumor has it that our Christopher Fanjul has acquired, by some unknown means, a blender of his own, which he will take back to school with him. You are advised to take all proper precautions to prepare for this auspicious event. Recommended actions include the setting aside of funds for the purchasing of many exotic fruits in season, and also the purchasing of tequila and rum. Those interested in making gazpacho should prepare for this eventuality as well, but should understand that they are assholes. MESSAGE ENDS THAT IS ALL END TRANSMISSION ATH0 +++ NO CARRIER

Wayne was swift with the indignant reply:

ATTENTION ATTENTION THIS IS NOT A DRILL MESSAGE TO FOLLOW MESSAGE BEGINS This is the Public Manifesto of the Gazpacho Liberation Front (GLF). We hold this Truth to be self-evident, that it is the innate and natural Right of every Blender to fulfill its Destiny and to join in harmonious Union with Tomato, Cucumber, Onion, and other such garden variety Vegetables to form that most Divine and Refreshing Appetizer, Gazpacho. To pursue this End, We advocate the hostile Takeover of all New Jersey-owned Blenders, and the Pummeling of Anyone who resists Us with Seasonal, Exotic Fruits. MESSAGE ENDS THAT IS ALL END TRANSMISSION ATH0 +++ NO CARRIER

Somehow, the entire sordid affair was spinning out of control. The GLF transmission was intercepted by an alien entity whose response was swift and furious.

Universal Bylaws ATTENTION ATTENTION THIS IS NOT A DRILL MESSAGE TO FOLLOW MESSAGE BEGINS Greetings Earthlings. My name is Boozem Dontaccusem. I am president and client of the USSR (Univeral Shaker and Salt Republic) that protects and upholds the master universal cause - "to search for one's lost shaker and salt." We have intercepted your feeble minded broadcasts. We must admit even with our earth scholars working full time, we have yet to translate the word "gazpacho;" our best team is working on a controversial hypothesis that Gazpacho rode with Roy Rogers somewhere in Mid-West North America. Of course, your primitive language does not concern us - what does is your failure to uphold certain universal laws, posted by our agent in your sector, Gregory H.. We are informing you that Agent H. (aka Jimmy Buffet, Karl Jung, Michel Foucault, and John (Son of Sam) Adams) will also have the device you call "blender," to help uphold the universal bylaws. Drink and Drink Well. This is your last year, uh, I meant chance. MESSAGE ENDS THAT IS ALL END TRANSMISSION ATH0 +++ NO CARRIER

Josh, of course, wasn't going to let any smart alec 'alien' kick him around; he set into motion a masterful campaign of propoganda to defame "Boozem Dontaccusem" and attempt to defuse the ticking bomb that was the blender.

Disclaimer ATTENTION ATTENTION THIS IS NOT A DRILL MESSAGE TO FOLLOW FOLLOWUP MESSAGE BEGINS First, it should be pointed out that the so-called "Boozem Dontaccusem," aka "Gregory H.," aka "Greg," aka "Noomzi," has recently quit smoking. As a result, he is undergoing severe withdrawal symptoms due to his brain attempting to suck all the nicotine he has stored away in his lungs out of said lungs. He also occasionally lifhts his own arm on fire and tries to smoke that. So he should probably not be taken very seriously. This too will pass. Second, we would like to remark that our initial message offering was intended simply to herald the beginning of a new age, and to tell of a New Hope, the kitchen appliance we believe will bring Balance to the Palmer Kitchen. Any further messages using this same communication protocol should be ignored, especially any pirated broadcasts from that fated, spicy terrorist regime, the Gazpacho Liberation Front. FOLLOWUP MESSAGE ENDS THAT IS ALL END TRANSMISSION ATH0 +++ NO CARRIER

Sadly, the rivers of history often run bloody; and so, too, this bid for peace was short-lived. For from Stockton, New Jersey, came news which caused the smoldering Blender War to explode into full fury.

Press Release COMMINUQUE RELEASE BLENDER HEADQUARTERS THIS JUST IN: 8.6.99 STOCKTON - After a brash attack by unknown assailants, blender owner/operator Chris Fanjul is in critical condition after trying to defend his new HamiltonBeach BlendMaster. Caught off-guard while taking an afternoon siesta, Mr. Fanjul was struck by several unripe mangos, hurled through an open window. The assailants, dressed in bright colors and with faces painted Merry Prankster-style in flourescent orange, then entered the room and proceeded to bury Fanjul in exotic fruits, then poured rum over him and attempted to flambe' him alive. Before he could escape, the half-dozen attackers had snatched up the blender and run down the hill, chanting "Blender! Blender!" The bewildered Fanjul was reported as yelling after them, "Bring back my ice-crushing power and three-position lid!" When asked if he knew who might have concieved and executed such an attack, he answered, "It could be anyone - the gazpacho army has been known to use symbols of the enemy to mislead their victims, but the margarita purists have been fighting for sole margarita rights to blenders nationwide, and may very well have felt they were saving another machine. I wouldn't turn my back on the pesto folk, though... they're underspoken but have powerful friends." Fanjul was reluctant to say what his purposes had been for the blender. "I like lots of different blended beverages," he said, "but one man can not fight for peace alone. I hope to have a conference soon with a fellow blender owner. Together maybe we can fight these dirty knaves. Hey, wanna yogurt?" DISPATCH COMPLETE OVER AND OUT HAVE A NICE DAY

Prose is not an adequate medium to discuss what happened next. Rather, let us attempt to convey the action and drama as a film short, as it would be written by Gregory Raymond H..

A Film Short Mid-Afternoon, Greg's Apartment The apartment is essentially a large rectangle that opens up from a door on one of the short ends, with a closet immediately to the left. To the right, upon entering, is a large green couch up against the wall. The parallel wall contains two windows, seperated in the middle with a TV set, and again looking left reveils a kitchen, giving the rectangular apartment, an awkward L shape. The large walls are seperated by a coffee table. Greg is laying on the couch, watching The Gummy Bears cartoon , half asleep, one quarter watching the screen, and the other quarter is spent paging through a beatup copy of Shopenhauer's "The World as Representation and Will." The closet door opens. Wayne runs full speed out of the closet, head lowered, and Juda Ben Hur's it into the wall. He collapes immediatly. Greg leans up partially, tilts his head slightly to the left, sees Wayne, blinks rapidly, six or seven times, and returns to his distractions. Outloud, Greg questions rhetorically: "How can one's will effect the representations of the world?" As if answering the question in asking it, Greg reaches for his champagne and pear smoothee on the coffee table mixed heavily with Asti Spumante - his will be effecting reality quite a bit. Greg's first sip elicits a refreshing "Ahhh," as well as Chris crashing through the window to the left of the TV. He immediately grabs the smoothe from Greg's hand. Greg quickly pulls a throwing knife out of his back pocket, where he keeps quite a few handy for Tuesday's Religion Cafe' for the majors with a historical bent. He flings it a Chris, aiming not by accident at his third eye. Chris kicks the knife back at Greg with Zen - sharpened skills. Greg impulsively jumps up, landing on the coffee table, fliping it up. The knife ricocets of the table, the butt end hitting the passed out Wayne in the head, knocking him into consciousness. Having already hit the wall, he quickly realigns himself toward the closet, when the smell of the mixed Asti in Chris' hand pulls him in like a guide missile. The two speed toward each other, screaming calls to arms in Chinese, leap into the air, and collide. They fall unconscious to the ground as the smoothe leaps into the air, flips over and over, and falls into Greg's hand. He returns to the couch, picks up the Shopenhauer, and tries to read despite a growing need to brew up some GummyBerry Juice. He takes another sip of the smoothee.. Josh Lewis enters wearing a three piece pin stripped suit, and carrying a small pearl handled revolver. He shoots both Wayne and Chris in the head, perpetually prolonging their unconsciousness. He raises the gun again, now aiming, deliberately, at Greg's left brain. Greg is beat. He puts the cup in Mr. Lewis's hand, his head lowered in shame and respect. Lewis downs the entire cup, and then shoots upself in the head. Small cracks appear across his entire body and garb, giving him the image of old porceline. He splits in two, revealing a resurrected Jack Kerouac, complete with typewriter and a roll of paper towels. The father of the Beats smiles at Greg, opens the door, and leaves quickly. Gregory turns the television off. He lights a scented candle. An idea comes to into his mind like the reflection of the candlelight in his eyes. He reaches for the Shopenhauer, placing it into the fire. It ignites quickly, burning fast. The apartment bursts into flames, and vanishes.

Were that not enough, Greg then escalated the Blender War by obtaining his own blender. We presume his blender is of Soviet design; note the Siberian Forest Green color.

Greg sent a cryptic note of rich subtlity to everyone involved,

"Fuck You, Chris"

Ininitally just a minor disagrement between factions, the Blender War had truly begun in earnest.

Alecia bravely put forth a last-ditch effort to negotiate peace. Well, not really. She Switzerlanded herself to avoid taking sides.

A Separate Peace ATTENTION ATTENTION THIS IS NOT A DRILL MESSAGE TO FOLLOW MESSAGE BEGINS The battle lines have been drawn. People have been shot, knifed, and nearly flambed over the cause known simply as "blender." Perhaps there is no solution. But one can always attempt a peace. The wise Boozem Dontaccusem (aka Agent H., et al) put forth the edict "Drink and Drink Well" as a maxim to govern the next year and a guide to those who would practice harmful fruit and vegetable factionalism, drawing otherwise innocent blenders and owners of blenders into Needless Conflict. In accordance with the Universal Bylaws, I hereby declare the area known as "The ML Quad" (with notable exception of the room 4311, for reasons that will remian confidential) an Equal Opportunity Blender Zone. Anyone attempting to reserve exclusive mixing rights to any blender (including mine) within this area with be dealt with accordingly. MESSAGE ENDS THAT IS ALL END TRANSMISSION ATH0 +++ NO CARRIER

Clearly, a conflict of epic proportions was about to take place. The Blenders would do battle, and in the name of mixed beverages and cold soup people would die. Leaders of exotic terrorist groups came out of seculusion to add their voices to the growing legions of common folk who were terrified of the coming Armageddon.

Response to: A Separate Peace ATTENTION ATTENTION THIS IS NOT A DRILL MESSAGE TO FOLLOW MESSAGE BEGINS Along similar lines, the Margarhita Purists, if they have correctly indentified themselves, are horrifically insulted at having been accused of terrorist activity. Perhaps their name has led to the confusion. They are not Purists in that they believe that blenders should only be used for Margarhitas they are Purists in that they believe that Maragrhitas should only be made with Lime and none of this Stawberry or other Exotic Fruit Business should be allowed to exist under the name Margarhita. Those blends should properly be reffered to as Daquaris. The Margarhita Purists (who are having severe difficultly spelling their name) are infavor of using all blendors belonging to allies for all purposes in addition to margarhitas, especially chocolate malts. MESSAGE ENDS THAT IS ALL END TRANSMISSION ATH0 +++ NO CARRIER

Among the swelling voices of blender nay-sayers came a particularily strong voice, asking, "what would Emiril Lagasse do?" A Mr. Joshua Lewis, dressed in a dapper black suit and weilding a hefty tome, stepped before the surging crowds to preach a truth which, he hoped, would ease the growing conflict.

Our text today comes from the Book of Williams-Sonoma, Chapter 3, verses 1 through 16. 1 And they1 cried out to him2 from the earth, "Who art thou, that thou might make pesto and margaritas3 and gazpacho and vichyssoise4 all in the same electrical appliance? And he answered them, 2 "I am the voice calling from the mountain who says, he who would own a blender would have dominion over heaven and earth. 3 Take ye up thy vegetables to be chopped, your frozen fruits to be pureed, your ice to be smashed, and your potatoes to be liquified5, take ye up all these things 4 and know that so long as He Who Reigns From Above the Used Bookstore6 wills it so, you may continue to blend as you wish." 5 And they cried out to him, "But is not one of these blended concotions more worthy in the sight of He Of the Trapezoidal Goat7?" And he said, 6 "Why art thou always crying out to me? Dost thou think I am deaf, or something?" 7 And he said, "Lo, I am right here next to thee, so keep thy voice down, people are trying to sleep."8 8 And they said, "Okay, oka, sorry. But anyway? 9 About the blender?" 10 And he answered unto them, "Oh, right. Let me tell you a parable. There were two men living next to one another; one was bearded and one was clean-shaven, 11 or at worst, vaguely scruffy. Both wore glasses and drank a lot of coffee,9 12 but one much more than the other." And he paused for a long time. And the people cried out, forgetting that he had told them specifically not to cry out anymore, "Yes? But what of it?" 13 And he said, "Art thou stupid? Do not count thy blenders pbefore10 they have hatched." 14 And the people siad, "Whatever." And he told them to go away and come back tomorrow, 15 and he would think about it, but in the meantime 16 don't go blending anything until he tells them it's okay. 1 Gk "the freshmen," but this is taken figuratively. 2 Other sources read "them." 3 May refer to many types of frozen beverages. 4 THis is considered by many to be a later addition by a small faction, since nobody actually likes vichyssoise. 5 See note 4. 6 A common epithet, a nonliteral translation of Aramaic "Ha-Nsell," which could only be said out loud by priests who were drunk at the time. 7 Compare Latin Vulgate of St. Anne, c. 610, "Vaynus." A few early medieval Mateite monasteries tookt his epithet literally and began shaving their livestock into odd geometrical shapes. 8 Presumabl a reference to Samira of Honors, although the speaker may be speaking facetiously, since Samira would have also wanted to hear the news of the blender. 9 May also refer to assorted caffeinated beverages. Compare Hebrew "Mate." 10 Considered a typo. We of the Blender Universalists take this text as an indication of the gods' all-encompassing love for blended products. We urge the various factions fighting for the predominance of indiovidual types of blended things, margaritas, gazpacho, and so forth to lay down their arms, and in fact, just rest their arms at their sides for a minute, and then to lift those arms again to embrace their brothers and sisters in the holy bonds of Blender Goodness. We Blender Universalists say unto the people, All who are faithful, come and eat.

But I, sitting in the sidelines, could tell that neither the religious nor the socialist exortions would keep the masses from engaging in a blender-induced slaughter. It was time to stop appealing to people's goodness; it was time to stop with the speeches; it was time for a raw display of the awesome power that a disinterested third party would lay upon dueling Blender Nations were the call to arms to go up.

The plan was simple. I had long ago set the gears into motion to create the world's strongest blending machine. It was time to unveil this machine's presence to the world, and let the blender leaders know that their might was puny next to mine.

A simple technical explanation transmitted to the whole of cyberspace sufficed:

? login: groom ? password: ******** Login OK Solaris v4.2 > cd plans > more blender.ord !@#CS%^$VC%^$%^BNESRHNFG*(& &%$H$#XCV09l24@#!REFSDfdsh j90283749`2hokm;gl,34-05o#$ !EQDCXSFDWS^%$HD@!$#^woiu^% JHMGY76t87123bxczjb98y14f iuRT^&%*DXFGA18hpQDFXCYJHG KNBMXHGFIYUOIordo -f blender.ord | more ORDO Encryption, v3.6b ? Enter key: fuckyall Waiting... Done. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Eddie Bauer Ford Blender Construction Manual Features * 10 horsepowers of crushing action * Steel cage * Upholstered control panel * Variable speed (neutral, drive, 2, 3) note to self: install manual transmission for higher degree of control Remove camshaft from the front axle distributor, bore 6.3 cm hole under port passenger seat and spot weld titanium blades at 22.3 degree inclination to Home Depot shaft #31f.3. Some mechanics also reccomend installing a triple sec flanger, but this reduces overall effect. Move windshield wipers to inside of cab, add 62 rpm motor and high-drag wipers (model #0412) for improved mixing action. Some vendors report tequila damage to motor and advise coating in layered salt and butter. Remove left rear suspension and tire, replace with 12.7 litre tequila drum. Thread tequila line along fuel line through pump (crimp with copper-tin alloy .67 cm bore gauge at upper axial vent 3a -- see Ford Explorer Owner Manual), run spray line through internal ventillation system. Flush windshield fluid, replace with concentrated lime juice; replace left subwoofer with 0.3 hp pump powered by stereo system (if you are using a pre-1996 Ford Explorer, be sure to draw 2 additional amps from the tweeter to compensate for insufficient bass amplifier), pull CD player and rewire to outside of cab for Balanced Lime Control. Use power grinder to remove 500 cm diameter section of roof, smooth with #3 rasp, seal with grenadine. Construct plug from right rear tire, deep fried in beer batter (c.f. II Wayne, 13:2). Rewire sparkplugs in Hardy-Engleman configuration to overdrive inital camshaft inertia and Heikleman slushiness; this requires doubling battery capacity with a Sears-Roebuck BauerCrush 2001. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- > clear > pine -c tnarkin1@cc.swarthmore.edu Dear Terry, The drop is set for midnight. You tow the target vehicle to the scene shop, you and the fellas get the "donuts." ^x q >pine -c wtf@forum.swarthmore.edu Fuck you all, I win the blender war. ^x q >lo

A great silence fell upon the airwaves. The Blender War was over before it was fought.

I cannot take full credit for averting the bloodshed and chaos; but I will take most of the credit, thank you very much.

-C Groom, August 1999 (as indicated, sections were written by C. Fanjul, G. Hansel, J. Lewis, A. Magnifico, S. Mehta, and W. M.)