Original:

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

Greg's Version

I am a gloomy creature, often seen smoking crack and eating flesh. I have been known to derail Septa trains with Susan B. Anthony silver dollars making the Philadelphia transit system much more efficent. I translate slang for my pimp, I write bad beat poetry for trendy coffee shops, and manage time by the amount of cigarettes I smoke. Occasionally, I drown swimmers.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up several inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Women hate me and smite me with godlike trombones, I can pilot bikers into gutters, and I cook Ramen noodles in Mr. Coffee. I'm an expert in flogging, a veteran in love with Frank Black, and an outlaw at McDonald's.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

Using only a knife and a large glass of vodka, I once single-handedly defended myself from the people in my head. I play no instruments, BlueGrass is something that costs ten bucks more a bag, I've been scouted by hounds, and am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I remove bolts from large suspension bridges. I enjoy shooting down hang gliders. On Wednesdays, after school, I steal electrical appliances (free of charge...).

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I am an awful artist, a concrete pourer, and Ruth is my bookie. Worldwide, people criticize my polyester evening wear. I don't aspire. I am an illegal alien, yet I have a green card. I have been caller number ten, but killed the previous caller. Last summer, I toured San Quinten with a traveling switchblade. My deaf friends have earned me a handicap license in international cities. Children beat me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I can hurl after many beers with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day, since I had purchased the Cliff's Notes. I know the exact location of every drink mixer in the supermarket. I have performed many covert operations on the I.R.S. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, it's not at Swarthmore. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of shady drug dealers. The laws of physics are totally unknown by me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

I drink, I trip, I fall, I passout, and my bills are secure in my glove compartment. On weekends, to let off steam, I make tea. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but they stopped making Tab. I have made extraordinary half course meals using only a pop tart and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning pestilence. I have won flights to San Juan, driving competitions in New York, and late fees at the video store. I have made an Omlet, I have tranformed Optimis Prime, and don't give a fuck about Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

And I sure as shit am in college...