Swarthmore students (Swatties) learn a great deal of theory in their years of study. Even though most students spend a semester abroad, they fail to fully take advantage of the opportunities offered by other cultures and locations to flesh out their studies.
It is absurd that Swarthmore can claim academic excellence, yet its alumni are completely helpless when asked to apply their field of study. Swarthmore has tremendous financial resources (some $750 million) which should be used to recitify this problem.
I propose that Swarthmore purchase a small, Pacific island country. The college certainly has the money and the international connections needed for such a difficult and possibly illegal transaction. I have the perfect island in mind... it is about 25 km by 23 km, located in the tropics, has wonderful beaches and towering peaks, and, best of all, is inhabited by several thousand native islanders who will be perfect for our studies. After buying this island, we can rename is "Swatlandia."
Students will be required to fly to Swatlandia for their Senior year, and complete their studies through intensive hands-on final projects. They will apply their knowledge in a setting that will only impact the lifestyle of a few thousand insignifcant islanders. Professors will love Swatlandia's wonderful beaches -- now they can experience sabbatical in style.
Here are some proposed final projects for each major:
Design a religion, and proselytize it to the natives. Set yourself up as an object of worship. Your grade will be determined by the sheer weight of sacrifices and the amount of gold used for your throne.
On even years (1998, 2000, etc) create strife and civil war between the four villages on the island. On odd year, negociate peace and settle the conflicts.
The natives will have electronic implants. Write a computer program that moniters their activites and electrically punishes those natives who violate whatever standard of morality you define in the header file. Please fully debug your programs before execution!
Sit on the tallest peak on the island. Using the powers of your mind, destroy reality. When nothing exists, we will give you your diploma.
Live with the natives for several months. Grow to love them. Then write a whiny, self-important book about the cultural imperialism of Swarthmore in Swatlandia.
Create a spooky mutant in the tropical forests. Sic it on the dammed philosophers sitting on top of their mountains. Your grade is determined by a point system -- 5 = A, 4 = B... You get a point for every philosopher exterminated; you lose half a point for every native exterminated.
Construct an ancient civilization, complete with remains, ruins, partially destroyed texts, and the like. For bonus points, create a complete mythology, then bastardize it for children's stories, Disney movies, and psychoanalysis.
Muck about in the streams, forests, and beaches all day; call it "studying the island's natural resources." Hold a village meeting. Explain to the natives how all life is a delicate chain, and that any disturbance in this chain can have catastrophic consequences. Then chop down a tree right in front of them.
Live in the village, learn to be a farmer. This won't help your major at all, but at least you'll have a job after graduation.
Manipulate prices and wages in the different villages to create an island-wide depression. Laugh maniacally at their misery, screaming, "Laugh at my science, will you!"
Work as a teacher on the remote central village (it looks great on grad school apps!). Educate young, impressionable children about the facts of the world using all the newest techniques. Remember, it is during childhood that the personality takes shape, so grades will be based on the most creative psychosis you manage to subtly instill into the children. Ideas include "drinking water is bad," "the beings inside your head will chew their way out soon," and "mommy and daddy are feeding you so that you will make a plump and tender sausage."
The purpose of studying English Literature is two-fold: (1) to read lots of old, unreadable books and (2) to develop lots of spooky theories for analyzing these unreadable and unread works. How do we know if an English major deserves a degree? An English major must sit down with a group of villagers, and discuss the most unreadable of the unread books using the most obtuse and silly possible theory. The student's grade is determined by the level of self-mutiliation the villagers inflict on themselves.
Given only a Leatherman tool, a pack of matches, a lump of lead, and a month's time, bring the Internet to a village.
You will be isolated from all books, computers, and labs. You will be given a few cases of beer, lots of tanning oil, a barbeque pit, gobs of food, a lawn chair, and some trashy novels. After a few weeks of relaxing in the tropics, you will feel much happier than you ever felt at Swat. You see how easy it is to feel happy, after all?